Dum Dum Dum…..
SEX!!! I have always found it quite absurd that talking about SEX has always been something you feel the need to keep on the DL. ( The Down Low )
I remember sex ed in school… It was pretty basic, this is where the penis goes , this is what the uterus looks like and when a man ejaculates ,this is what stimulates the female organs to produce a child.
That’s it? Really… As I have gotten older I have realised how much more there is to sex but no one seems to talk about it , unless you are at a girls book club and have had a little too much to drink because that’s when the sex conversations are sparked, its not often we find ourselves talking about the ‘dirty’….
Sex is such a beautiful and powerful thing. It connects you with another human being on such a deep level. Now Im not saying we should all go sleeping around but I believe we should explore sex and our sexualities more.
I chatted to Sexologist Catriona Boffard all about the ins and out of South African Sex Culture. Sexology is the study of human sexuality. Catriona Boffard is a Sexologist, Sex Researcher, Sex Educator and author practicing in Johannesburg, South Africa. She is one of Africa’s most recognized authorities on sex, and has delivered her expert advice on TV, radio, corporate, public and therapeutic platforms. She is an expert in the field of sexual behaviour and well-being, with a particular interest in helping couples reinvent their sexual intimacy and empowering women to embrace their sexuality.
Catriona comes from a family of doctors and considers herself to be well educated and well traveled however one day in 3rd year whilst she was studying at Wits they had a sexual dysfunction lecture and Catriona was gobsmacked about how little she knew on the subject of sex.
Do you know what ANORGASMIA is?
The inability to Orgasm, YES you heard correctly. Some people cannot orgasm.
With a curious mind, she went to study a subject she knew very little about so that she could teach the world about something that is such a big part of everyones lives but not often discussed.
Catriona wanted to know it all: What people are doing, why they are doing it, why things go wrong in relationships. Understanding the darker side of sex, sexual pain, not being able to have sex with your husband, not being able to have sex with your wife. She wanted to know it all.
According to Catriona, South Africans fall into a very conservative category when it comes to sex, “we are still coming out of our shell” , says Catriona.
We are very traditional when it comes to relationships, heterosexual monogamous relationships is what we tend to go for in SA. People get anxious about open relationships and the many other aspects of sex.
Maybe its because in South Africa its shameful to talk about sex, sex education is about HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, no one talks about exploring your sexuality. Research shows that abstinence education has a higher rate of unwanted pregnancy.
Catriona believes that kids should be educated about their sexuality,which leads them to asking the right questions, give kids the permission to ask but be able to put up boundaries.
What age should you start talking to your children about sex?
Kat says that you should “Open the door between 3 and 5 years old, its parents who are embarrassed, not the kids. Open the door and give your kids permission to ask. You are ensuring they get the right information with no shame or guilt.”
Its all about POSITIVE SEX talk – Be open and honest when they ask how they came about, explain to them honestly and openly. “Daddy’s penis goes into mommies vagina – but you must not put your penis into a vagina.” Set boundaries for your kids so they know right from wrong, rather the correct information comes from you instead of incorrect stuff they hear from friends at school.
Catriona is often asked by mothers ‘ I caught my son playing with his penis, should I tell him to stop’? Explain to your son that he is allowed to touch his penis in privacy and that no one else can touch his penis, not even mommy or daddy without permission. There is so much shame around sex in South Africa, parents are worried about being affectionate around kids. If there is shame around affection, let alone sex, the kids understanding is completely shameful. Parents should be affectionate in front of their kids, you are teaching your children about healthy, loving relationships.
So what about things like sexual fetishes? Why do men like shoes? Why do they like dressing their lovers up in crazy outfits? Some events in a mans life may have caused him to want to have golden showers. There are many absurd fetishes out there, 99% particular to men. There is also the whole nature vs nurture debate. As well as the physiological or chemical imbalance.
Human beings are curious by nature, we watch all kinds of movies and think, that looks kind of interesting. We are experimental beings and research shows that most people like to try things at least once in their lives and that’s fantastic.
Now lets get down to the crux of sex and relationships. We have a giant misconception on relationships and sex. Reading magazines as a young teenager with articles saying things like, “Show him your G spot, you should be having sex 4 – 6 times a week”. The media puts so much pressure on our sex lives and creates unrealistic realities for us.
Research has shown that in South Africa couples have sex between 1 – 2 times per week., majority of which were married. South Africans are very busy people, we work hard, are very active and socialise a lot.
Cats advice is not to strive for a number, strive to have quality sex with your partner. Don’t expect to have sex 3 or 4 times a week, rather plan to have QUALITY sex even if that means having sex once a week. You both need to feel that you are being satisfied and getting what you want. People are so wrapped up about the idea that you HAVE to orgasm, we should rather focus on connecting with one another and being in the moment.
We are so focused on the destination we lose track and forget to enjoy the journey, rushing through things like foreplay. It is extremely difficult for a woman to orgasm – 85% need clitoral stimulation with orgasming being a learnt response – you have to learn what your body likes. Stop putting pressure on yourself, the more pressure – the less likely you are to orgasm. Ladies you are okay if you cant climax during sex and there is proven research to say that woman do not need to climax in order to enjoy sex.
Pressure and sex are the worst combination, when pressure to perform increases, ability to perform decreases. Great sex is sex where you both meet each others needs and in turn have your needs met. Both partners need to be mutually satisfied. Feel connected to your partner both emotionally and physically.
Couples who talk about sex have more sex. When sex is not a problem in a relationship it matters only 10% in the relationship, when it is a problem it takes up 90% of your relationship.
Start communicating with your partner, take each other out on a date and ask one another about sex. What your partner likes & what are no-goes, have a little glass of wine and who knows.
You might just be getting lucky..
Catriona will be hosting a couples evening, bring your partner & come have some fun…
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